What Have We Become
by flashpenguin
Summary: Five months of soulful contemplation had led him to these moments.  Will David Rossi be able to finally face the man beneath the facade? Part of the SOUL SEARCH SERIES. Inspired by Daughtry's "What Have We Become".
1. Chapter 1

_Third follow up to "Daddy's Favourite Fool". This story follows "My Angel Baby" and "Answer". Dave's actions are resulting in a major reaction as it all comes to a head during confrontations with Emily and Hotch. Major secrets are revealed as Emily comes clean, and Garcia sets Dave up for his ultimate confrontation with the BAU chief._

_Thanks to Tracia for her patience and insight into Garcia and Dave._

_Song prompt: **What Have We Become by Daughtry**_

_I don't own Criminal Minds...because of some damn stupid misalignment of the stars!_

* * *

**What Have We Become**

David Rossi had given up trying to make sense of anything in his life anymore. For so long he tried to figure out the warped minds of criminals while trying to keep his life in order. Now even that was in shambles. He should have known something was wrong when he let the last case slip through his fingers.

There was no excuse for dropping the ball and almost letting the UNSUB get away. It wasn't as though it was on purpose but when Hotch teamed him with Prentiss for the surveillance part of the stakeout, he thought he had come to grips with what had transpired between them.

Monotonous silence filled hours was enough to drive anyone crazy, so he figured he'd try to apologize for what transpired that night. Well…apologize the way only David Rossi could. Yet somehow, even that came out arrogant. When would he ever learn to keep his mouth shut?

Emily just looked at him. No words. Just a look and silence. Incredible, deafening, complete silence that made Dave wishing he had never opened his mouth.

"_Why are you saying this?" she asked, her voice never betraying how she felt._

"_I wanted to clear the air between us," Dave offered._

"_I mean: why are you doing this here? Now?"_

"_I-" Dave tried to find the words he never had to use before. _

"_This has nothing to do with JJ coming back to town?"_

_Dave turned and faced the windshield. Oh God! Was it that obvious? "It was a surprise." And it had been. Just as he was starting to sort out everything that had transpired, JJ came back to throw his world off its axis. He had tried to remain cool as he and the former BAU communications liaison exchanged greetings. While he held his breath for the fall out that never came._

_Once or twice, he thought about approaching JJ and apologizing for that night. However, the moment never arrived. From a distance, he watched her interact with the team and the new liaison officer while his thoughts drifted off to her lying underneath him calling his name. Every night for three months, he dreamt of her face, her touch, her smell…her taste. Now when he was just starting to learn to live without her, she was back to haunt his dreams again. Nothing was ever a coincidence; there had to be a reason. _

_Finally, when he thought he was going to go crazy, he made up his mind to ask her about that night. But he had waited too long; she was gone. This time for good. And so were the answers to the questions in his heart and head._

"_You slept with her, didn't you?" Emily asked. Actually, it wasn't a question but more of a statement of fact._

_For the first time in his life, Dave was at a loss for words. "Prentiss…Emily…I…" Oh, shit! "What makes you say that?" _

"_She told me." Just like that, she put it out there. She might as well have said 'the sun is shining' or 'stake-outs are boring' for all the emotion she put into her statement._

"_She told you?" Dave asked weakly._

"_Actually, I figured it out a while ago. Probably about a month after JJ left." She had watched his face for any trace of emotion, a hint that she had hit a homerun. Just when she was convinced that perhaps JJ was wrong, Dave's right eye twitched. Bingo!_

"_Your right eye twitches when you try to lie. I can't believe a profiler with your experience hasn't figured out your own weakness." She diverted her eyes and focused on her Styrofoam coffee cup. "We went out to dinner the night before she left and had a long talk…mostly about the BAU. And somehow, during our conversation your name came up. Did you know that JJ fiddles with her earlobe when she gets nervous?"_

_What could he say? '_Sure Em, I figured that out three days after I came back to the FBI. I also know when you're nervous- you bite your lower lip and look down to the right.'_ Of course that would probably go over as well as showing up at one his ex-wives' birthday party._

"_She wanted me to tell you that there were no hard feelings on her behalf. And it wasn't all your fault," she continued as though she had no idea she had thrown him for more loops than a roller coaster._

"_Uh…"_

"_What happened that night. Jen didn't mean to slip out in the middle of the night, but she figured it was hard enough trying to deal with everything without waking you up." Her nail flicked against the plastic lid as she debated going on further. "She knew what could possibly happen when she showed up to your place to confront you."_

_His mouth went dry. "Prentiss…"_

"_She's okay with it. It was…how did she describe it? Oh yeah, two depressed, desperate people giving into their primal urge to feel better. Yep. Oh, and shit happens."_

_Dave looked down at the car's vent and wondered if the dial had suddenly been cranked to the red. _Shit happens? _One of the best nights of his adult life was reduced to a trite bumper sticker quote? _

"_Jen also wanted me to thank you for opening her eyes to what was really important in her life. Of course sleeping with the renowned David Rossi didn't hurt. But once everything was said and done, and she settled into New Orleans, she realized that her life was Henry and Will."_

Great! Now having sex with him reduced people to prioritizing their lives. What was going on? Was he in an alternate universe?

"_That's good to hear that there are no hard feelings." Dave replied with relief._

_A quick sip of her coffee before she placed it in the cup holder and reached for the elastic to pull her hair back. "Answer me a question: That night, at my house, why did you fuck me?" She didn't even wait for his response before adding, "I mean, I have nothing against a sympathy fuck between co-workers, but sloppy seconds after you slept with my best friend? Even Morgan has more couth than to rabbit hop from one junior agent's bed to another before washing away the residue."_

"_Five months. I waited five months. And if my accountant and Strauss hadn't screwed up or tried to undermine me, what happened that night would have never transpired."_

"_Hey, honestly, I have no problem with you sleeping with Jen. I mean, you're two consenting adults- both unmarried, good-looking…it's only natural. I'm surprised you two waited so long. But what I do have a problem with is you using me to purge her memory and ease your guilty conscience."_

"_It wasn't like that. If you'd let me explain."_

"_I get it; you are David Rossi, the legendary FBI lothario. It was just a matter of time before you managed to get into my pants…and Jen's too." Snapping the elastic tight, she threw him a look. "You made love to Jen, you fucked me…I fear to think what you have in mind for Garcia?"_

"_Well, sweetheart, they say the third time is the charm," he replied silkily, his voice like the aged scotch he preferred: smooth, steady and velvety…right before the sharp pain invaded his eye. Snapping his head back, his hand flew to his injury. "What the hell?" Blinking rapidly, he looked at Prentiss then down at his lap where lay a blue elastic, and then back at Prentiss._

_Wiping away the tear, he started to bawl her out when Hotch's voice came thru their earpieces. "The UNSUB is on the move!"_

And now here he sat, at St. Paddy's bar, trying to replace his red blood cells with ninety proof, barrel aged scotch. When had he lost control over his life? Motioning to the bartender, Dave ordered another round. That one was for Jen and Emily. This one was for him, he thought as he threw the amber liquid back.

* * *

"Oh my gosh Pen! Tell me that isn't the legendary FBI profiler and author David Rossi sitting at the bar!" One of Garcia's girlfriends gushed. Ever since JJ left and Emily went into an unexplainable funk, Garcia had been left to her own defenses try to make new friends for "Girls Night Out". Luckily the two women from the computer lab seemed normal enough and knowledgeable about the new Gate-keeper system to be deemed worthy enough to hang with the one and only Penelope Garcia. And she had to admit, that in all honesty, it wasn't so bad.

Hearing Dave Rossi's name made Garcia crane her neck around her two girlfriends to sneak a peek. Blinking twice, she realized that it was her boss sitting at the bar. She thought he was supposed to be out of town on vacation. What were the odds of him being at this same bar tonight of all nights?

"It sure is."

"Don't you work with him?"

"Yes."

"That is so cool. You think he'd come over here and sit with us?"

Garcia thought for a second. Rossi was pretty private in public and had been known more than once to get cold and brush people off who gushed over him. "I don't know ladies; he's pretty private."

"Oh Pen, you gotta go ask him! What can it hurt?"

"Yeah," replied the second friend. "Tell him we're buying."

Garcia grimaced. "He might not like me approaching him during off hours."

Her friends looked at her with pleading eyes. "Please? He looks so lonely. We can cheer him up."

Garcia knew what her head was saying, but at the same time her heart was crying to see Rossi sitting alone, at a bar, sipping his drink. Really, what could it hurt to ask him over? Standing up, she flipped her hair back and smiled at her friends.

"Okay, ladies…I'll do it." With more bravado than she actually felt, Garcia walked over to Rossi and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hi Boss!" she greeted enthusiastically before her eyes fell on the counter and the shot glasses. Her mental calculation quickly added seven…plus the glass in his hand.

Rossi heard Garcia's voice and wondered if the hallucinations had kicked in. Turning around, he pulled back to find the voice in his head was the all too real physical being of the BAU tech analyst Penelope Garcia. "Garcia," he responded flatly and with disinterest.

The bravado quickly turned into nervousness. "It's funny running into you here…at the bar; I thought you were out of town. Wow, talk about a small world," she babbled. Rossi raised his eyebrow. "Any way, I'm here with my girlfriends…you know, girls night out, and they saw…we saw you sitting here. Alone." The eyebrow raised again. "To make a long story short: would you like to come over and sit with us?"

"No." Dave turned back around to face his empty glass pyramid. One one thousand, two one thousand, three one thousand, he chanted to himself.

Garcia bit her bottom lip. "Please?"

"No."

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"No."

"Are you okay?"

"I will be," he replied dryly.

"Are you driving home tonight?" Garcia was worried. The man looked like hell, and from what she could estimate, his blood type was slowly becoming Chivas Regal.

Dave sighed heavily and dropped his shoulders. Slowly he turned around to glare at her. "Garcia, what time is it?"

"What?"

"The time. What time is it?"

Garcia turned her wrist to glance at her classic Swatch watch. "Um, it's eight fifteen boss."

"Which means we're both off the clock, right?" It wasn't a question.

Speechless, Garcia stared at him. Blinking back sudden tears, she looked him up, then down. "I was only offering, Agent Almighty; no need to be a ass about it." Turning on her heel, she started to walk away.

_Oh God! He made her cry! Shit!_ "Garcia! Penelope! Come back." _Double shit!_ Garcia stood in front of him. "I'm sorry."

Garcia sniffed for effect. "Can I call someone for you?"

"No. I'm alright."

"Can I drive you home?"

"I'm fine Kitten."

"Let me call Hotch."

"Garcia…" Her eyes filled up with tears again. _Where the hell was the bartender with the bottle?_ Dave looked around desperately for salvation. Anything.

"You are in no mood for company or driving home. So, as your co-worker I am offering you two options: I take you home so you arrive in one piece- which with the way your attitude is heading- the one piece might be stretching it. Big time."

She paused and continued. "On the other hand, to ensure your safe arrival home in one piece, I can call Hotch." A long moment of silence transpired. "I suggest you pick one before I do." Garcia leaned in and in a stage whisper said, "I'm leaning toward option one."

It only took Dave a second to let her words sink in. "Option two."

Garcia beamed a bright smile of pearly white teeth surrounded by scarlet red lipstick. "I knew you'd see reason. I'll call him now." She patted his shoulder and pulled out her cell phone.

Dave motioned for the bartender. "Make it a double." He felt he was going to need it. Fast.


	2. Chapter 2

__

_Poor Dave- making Garcia cry! Guess with all he's been thru perhaps life doesn't seem so precious because he almost signed his death warrant. Now Hotch is on the scene and about to discover that just because he rules the roost at the BAU, his agents have lives off the company clock and it's not something Hotch wants to hear. Will he be able to get thru to Dave or will he let the man wallow in misery? Hmmm... Dave is going to have to do some serious soul-searching if he wants to get back in anyone's good graces._

_I don't own Criminal Minds...yada yada yada!_

* * *

**What Have We Become**

Aaron Hotchner had just settled in for a long night of going over paperwork and tossing and turning for a couple of hours of sleep when his phone rang. It wasn't unusual to get a call in the evening from the bureau, but his eyebrow- and his concerns were raised- when the caller ID showed Penelope Garcia.

He hesitated to take the call until he remembered that Garcia was updating his personal PC. Clicking "Talk", Hotch took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. "Hotchner."

"Hi Boss! Garcia here."

"Yes Penelope, how can I help you tonight?"

"I'm out on the town with some girlfriends and the craziest thing happened: I ran into Agent Rossi."

Hotch thought over her information. "Wasn't he supposed to be on a vacation/book tour?"

"I checked that out. See, I linked my I-Pad to the work computer data base- don't ask- anyway, you're right; he's supposed to be on vacation. But he isn't."

"Where is he?"

"Sitting at the bar downing Chivas Regal like it's going out of style."

"I meant: Where is his current location?"

Garcia was chastised. "Sorry Boss. He's at St. Paddy's Bar on Jefferson…"

"I know where it is," Hotch interrupted. "What do you want me to do?"

"Well…" Garcia thought it over. _Really, honestly, what did she expect Hotch to do? If Rossi wanted to get drunk off his ass and drive home, really, was that any of her concern? Especially when he had done what he did to JJ and Emily? C'mon Pen, can you really hold that against the man? He did go against Strauss and save Emily's job_.

"Garcia?" Hotch prompted.

"He's not himself. I don't know what's wrong exactly, but I think it might be a woman."

"That's not unusual."

'Not like this. I think there is something wrong."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I'm afraid he's going to drive home. I offered to take him home with me, but…let's say he's not a really nice drunk. I gave him another option: call you."

"Garcia…I can't leave Jack."

"Boss," Garcia pleaded.

"I can call him a cab."

Garcia sniffled. "He did make me cry. And if I can't get him home, and you won't come and help, that leaves Morgan."

Hotch closed his eyes and groaned. "How do you feel about baby-sitting?"

Garcia nearly squealed with delight. "I can be there in twenty minutes." She hung up quickly. Hotch stood and stared at his phone and flipped it shut.

"I'll bet you can."

* * *

Briefed in minute detail on Dave and the situation, Hotch had no idea what to expect when he walked into the bar. But Dave was hard to miss- shoulders slumped, a pyramid of shot glasses on the counter, he sat nursing on a drink. By the looks of it, Dave was drowning the memories of a woman. He had seen that look before.

Poor bastard. The last time he had seen his friend in such bad shape, was after his second divorce. Who ever she was, she must have really done a number on him. Now he was dying to know the what, who, when, and how.

Walking over to Dave, Hotch tapped him on the shoulder. Slowly Dave turned his head to see who was there.

"Aaron. I see Garcia kept her promise."

"Hi Dave." Hotch took the stool beside Dave and glanced at the glasses. "I thought you were on vacation."

"I am. The dates got shifted and I go to Seattle for the book signing on Monday. I'll still be back in time to catch the bad guys."

Hotch watched his friend's expression and listened to his tone. "I have no doubt about that." The silence stretched for a long time. Hotch reached for an empty glass and twirled it on the counter top. "You want to talk about it?"

Dave threw his shot back. "Can we leave now?"

"No. I might as well have a drink too." Motioning to the bartender, Hotch requested a bourbon. Sipping the fiery liquid, Hotch waited Dave to say something, anything. "That last case sure was a good one. How's your head?"

"The bump is gone."

"You never did explain how the UNSUB got the upper hand. But it's all well and good that Prentiss was there to take him down."

"Another kiddie porn scumbag is off the streets for good," Dave remarked and raised his glass. Hotch did the same.

"Amen." More silence. Another sip. "I got a call from JJ yesterday."

"Oh?"

"She was checking on the new guy. Plus she wanted to let me know that she and Will set the date. I guess our invitations are in the mail."

"Good for them," Dave remarked dryly.

"Prentiss stopped by and wanted to know if she could partner with Morgan from now on," Hotch continued and watched his friend's reaction. Dave shrugged his shoulders. "I told her I would think about it."

Silence.

"You and I have known each other for a long time. And I would like to think that we are friends. Maybe that is too presumptive of me since I don't really have friends." Long sip. "I am also the Unit Chief so I have to be cognizant of my teams' moods. I noticed that when JJ was here, you were no where to be found."

"Busy."

"And lately Emily has been acting weird. I thought it was the last case, but I sense that it goes deeper than that. I don't know…." Hotch's eyebrows rose as Dave shifted uncomfortably on the stool. "Dave, is there something you want to talk about? Maybe something I need to know?"

Before he could stop them, the words started tumbling out of Dave's mouth. "She came over…then I went over. It wasn't supposed to be like that…then she was gone…and I think she wanted to bury me in the backyard. And when I tried to apologize, she hit me in the eye with a rubber band."

If Hotch thought his evening was a ball of confusion before he entered the bar, he definitely felt as though he had stepped into an episode of "The Twilight Zone" after Dave's ramble. "I don't understand."

Dave shook his head. "Please don't make me repeat it again; it's humiliating enough."

As Hotch watched Dave rest his elbows on the counter and raise the glass to his lips, it slowly dawned on him. For the first time in his life, Aaron Hotchner had been rendered speechless by a co-worker.

"Are you saying…? With…?" Hotch tried to gather his thoughts.

"Aaron, let me explain…" Dave started.

"Stop! Right there! I'm going to need a drink before I hear this." Motioning to the bartender, Hotch told him: "I need the strongest thing you have."

"Anything in particular, sir?"

"Do you have moonshine?"

"No sir."

"What is below moonshine?"

"Sake."

"Make it a triple." As the bartender set the three shots down, Dave went to speak. Hotch held up his hand to halt any conversation until he had finished his liquid courage. Blinking away the sudden tears, Hotch turned to his friend and delivered a loud well-deserved slap to the back of Dave's head. "Now I'm ready."

"What the hell is that for?" Dave demanded.

"Are you insane? JJ and Emily? What the hell were you thinking? I mean I knew it was only a matter of time you would fall back into your old routine. But your co-workers? Have you no shame?"

"Let me explain."

"If you think you can."

"What happened with JJ was not planned. She came over the night she was let go and confronted me about how I sold her out. I tried to explain to her that I did the best I could. One thing let to another and well… She left in the middle of the night; I never had a chance to apologize."

"That would explain her attitude toward you when she came back. Do I want to know what happened with Emily?"

Dave twirled the amber liquid around in his glass. "Strauss spilled the beans and told her that I was supplementing her pay."

"Wasn't that confidential?"

"Yes it was, and if I wanted to pursue it, I could go all the way to the top and get JJ her job back."

"But…" Hotch prompted.

"But I don't think JJ will want to come back. She seems pretty settled in with her life in New Orleans."

"I see."

"And the deal was technically not by the book so that means all of us- Emily included- could be in trouble. I know that the punishment can range from a letter of reprimand to termination. Not that I wouldn't mind Strauss getting some of her own back, but I can't see doing this to my team."

"This has nothing to do with you and saving your ass?"

"I don't mind losing my job- fuck, it's happened before, but it's my fault; not yours or Emily's."

Hotch thought about Dave's words. "You love her."

"Who?"

"Who do you think?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Considering the amount of alcohol you've downed, I'm not surprised that you're not functioning on all cylinders."

Dave took a sip before replying. "That myth of alcohol destroying brain cells has been disproven."

"Sure. You have to have brain cells in order to destroy them," Hotch replied wryly.

"I'll let that go."

"Considering what you've done, you're going to let a lot of things go. But I'm going to say it again: You love her. Whoever that 'her' is, can only be decided by you."

"I hurt her," Dave commented mournfully. "I was angry when I found out that she knew. She never gave me a chance to explain. I just got so angry."

"Dave…stop right there," Hotch warned. "I need to ask, and you had better not lie to me: did you do anything inappropriate with Emily?"

"Other than breaking down in her arms and making a fool of myself?" Dave shook his head. "We talked about it. She called it a 'sympathy fuck between co-workers'. So I guess we're still good."

"So?"

"She remarked that after the way I treated her and JJ, she wondered what I had up my sleeve for Garcia."

Hotch's eyes darkened. "If you even go near Garcia, I will shoot you myself and get Morgan and Reid to help dispose of your body."

"Trust me, it won't happen. But not for that reason. The woman is debugging my computer and I want it back in one piece. No, I responded back…"

"In the way only the debonair arrogant David Rossi can," Hotch finished. "Let me guess, this has something to do with the rubber band you mentioned."

"Yes. But it had nothing to do with the UNSUB getting the upper hand. That was my own stupid fault; I tripped and fell."

"I'm glad we got that cleared up." Hotch leaned back. "Who do you want to be with?"

"Huh?"

"It's an easy enough question: between JJ and Emily, who do you want to be with? Or were they both 'sympathy fucks'? But you know what? As I sit here watching you, I don't think you even know where you stand. It's obvious where JJ stands- she's moved on and is getting married. Emily didn't kill you and partnered you even when you had used her to purge your own guilty conscience. So I know where she stands. But you…I have no idea where you stand….with them. I know where you stand with me. And it's not good."

"Aaron, I'm sorry."

Hotch watched his best friend. It was obvious Dave was suffering and in misery. He had seen his best friend go thru two divorces and countless relationships and not one ever did this much damage. But it wasn't his job to point out the obvious; Dave had made his bed with his sins and he could lie in it.

"The apology shouldn't be for me. When you've decided who is important in your life aside from Dave Rossi, I think you'll find everything falling into place." Tossing a few bills on the counter, Hotch stood up. "You have a plane to catch tomorrow afternoon, so I suggest you come home with me. I don't think you should be left alone. When you get to Seattle and start your book tour, I suggest you do some serious thinking before you come back to the BAU."

Dave stood up from the stool. "You can take me back to my place; you don't have to go out of your way for me."

"Actually, you are going to spend the time thinking of a logical and sincere apology to Garcia, or I go to Morgan and tell him you made his baby girl cry."

Dave was three sheets to the wind but he was still cognizant to the meaning of Hotch's words. "You have to be kidding me!"

Hotch slapped him on the back. "Consider it training for the apology you are going to have to deliver when you get back in three weeks."

"Is it too late to put in for another retirement?"

Hotch grimaced and guided his friend out of the bar and into the night.


End file.
